Time and Habits

I distinctly remember writing about having not written in a while at the top of my last post. Back in November of LAST YEAR.

Not to steal from Britney, but...

Oops, I did it again.

I just haven't been writing recently. Which is not great. Writing is good for me.

Granted, I have not been writing for some fairly positive reasons: my job, general busyness. But, I can't help feeling as though I'm allowing something to atrophy. People do tend to speak of creativity as a muscle and by not actively flexing it, am I allowing it wither?

---

Huh. I wrote those previous words in February.

It's June.

This is now officially a problem. 

Seeing as how this has become a pattern — a pattern of absence— what is it? What is it about time and habits that has led to this abandonment of something I love and intended to grow?

---

HA! So I freely admit to adding those last lines and then proceeding to sit there staring at my computer screen for a couple days, my fingers hovering over my keyboard, without a single thing to say. I was stuck. I intended to blather on for a bit about precisely why I stopped writing, but the words weren't coming. I knew it pretty much had something to do with a promotion at work, busier personal life and the such. But who cares? It's always stuff like that when we stop tending to things that we promised ourselves we would prioritize. 

As I sat there, fingers fluttering, I believe my thought was that I should delve deep into the 'why' of it all and create an abstract theory that poked around concepts of habits and choices, but it all got lost in it's lack of purpose.

Because I realized that wasn't the story. That story was boring. It doesn't provide value to say that at the end of a work day I started choosing unwinding with Netflix over mining my brain for cohesive thoughts about life.

What matters it what comes next. Starting from here.

Declaring that starting now I'm committing to writing one post a week. Which may very well result in some short and/or obscure posts (so dear, kind reader you have been warned), but ultimately should force me into a new habit.

A habit of being accountable to this work.

And that, to me, is way more interesting. Because this serves. It's of value to move forward and make a commitment to writing on the regular. I tried simply acknowledging that I wasn't writing and that succeeded only in continuing my hiatus. Instead, I'm going to take a stab at accountability.

Make this declaration here in writing both for myself and to perhaps inspire a little bit of commitment in anyone who also may have let something slip aside.

photos: source, source

Having it All Together

Dang it.

I dropped the ball and haven't written in a little while.

Apologies.

I've been busy with my job and moving into a new apartment. Yet, one day, when I still had one foot in my brother's apartment and one in my new studio, I slipped.

I saw my Facebook Newsfeed.

I don't usually do that.

I avoid my Newsfeed intentionally as I have discovered that I don't enjoy a website telling me what I am supposed to know about other people. If I want to see pictures of my friends I prefer them to be shown to me in person over coffee. Or in the very least, having been sent a particular photo directly because it holds some relevance for me personally.

That's not to say that I am not at times interested in the general shares of people that I know, but I am more than happy to seek that info out rather than just have it laid upon my virtual doorstep.

Perhaps I should go through and alter all of my newsfeed settings, but that is incredibly tedious. It's far easier to just avoid it all together.

Of course, the real reason that I don't want to view everyone's shares is that I find it incredibly unhealthy for myself. You know, the whole, "comparison is the thief of joy" concept.

I like to think that I have matured a whole heck of a lot with regard to that idea, but it's amazing how much I really don't want to know what is up with the vast number of Facebook "friends" I have that I no longer interact with.

This age of technology has seemingly pushed aside the forgotten art of losing touch. 

Really and truly. Losing touch is not a bad thing. It makes room for the people and places that are your present. 

That's not to say that you should lose touch with everyone. Some relationships are worth preserving and technology has made communication and interaction possible at a distance. Lovely. But I'm becoming more and more discerning with regard to whose lives I want to allow into my present day psyche.

I'm still figuring out what I want for my life and I have found that my desires can become tainted by viewing other people's choices if I'm not careful.

Yes, I am older and wiser than I was at 18 when this whole FB thing got going, but I'm not entirely confident that I won't be thrown off my rocker by attempting to keep up with the varied happenings and accomplishments of hundreds of people somewhere on the scale of acquaintance to friend.

I'm firmly in my late twenties now and I can say that my life is rather different from what I imagined as a teenager my circumstances would be at this age. 

There was certainly a time when I thought that I would "have it all together" by my late twenties. If "having it all together" by now was some figurative target, it didn't pan out.

Although, I'm not actually sure what "having it all together" truly means. Society tends to label it as financial success, marriage, kids, homeownership etc. Those kind of things. 

Those sort of things are great for a lot of people, but with the exception of the financial angle, they haven't been priorities for me while in my twenties.

And there it is. Surprisingly, after being sucked into a Facebook spiral that revealed that I can, indeed, still be caught off guard by the different life paths of old friends, I found myself having a bit of a revelation. Despite the many, many challenges, I've concluded that I'm kind of digging not "having it all together" quite yet.

I like the fact that I am a bit of a unwritten book. Everyone's story is still unfolding, but I'm pretty sure mine is still sorting out main characters and nailing down major plot points. I like that this is because I've got a multitude of interests, that I desire to pave uncharted territory and that I prefer a certain amount of unconventionality in my life. I enjoy the fact that I know what it feels like to have absolutely no idea how things are going to work out and to still be actively in the creating phase. I feel as though I have great loves and great adventures coming my way and while the uncertainty of it can be unnerving, I'm learning (ever so slowly) to trust in the process and enjoy the moment. 

Here I am. Creating my own undeniably individual course. One day at a time.

Granted, for all of my lack of "togetherness" I suppose I've managed to meet some expectations of "adulthood" and make progress. I've never missed rent (though there have been close calls), I've spent many years able to afford my own apartment without roommates, earned multiple degrees and grown to like who I am as a person a little more each day.

And I guess that is where the joy in my lack of "togetherness" lays: in feeling as though I'm still growing. Despite my lack of many traditional benchmarks, I look back at how I thought and behaved at 18, 22, 25 and recognize huge positive shifts. Despite my own surprise at being in my late twenties, I'm really enjoying being 28.

I realize, of course, that no one ever stops learning, even after "getting it together." Whatever that even means.

Every day presents new wins and challenges that stem growth and there is no such thing as having it "All Figured Out." Still, I kind of like being in a place where I can freely admit to being unabashedly ambling in the wind for a bit longer.

I see some lights at the ends of tunnels, which is necessarily reassuring, but I'm still learning how to combine separate tunnels into one giant chasm that allows for all my varied passions to be tended. 

I suspect that I am not alone in this. I think that my generation has experienced a large influx of unmet youthful expectations with regard to stability and supposed "American Dream" fulfillment coming at a young age. Those of us born in the 80's and 90's are being met with a different economic climate than those who entered the job market at that time. I'm not about to prattle on about student debt and unemployment as it is already being discussed at length by those with more education on the matter, but the point is that less of us are in our dream jobs, in committed relationships and feeling financially secure in our twenties. The technology boom, which has fostered increased communication, global interaction and entrepreneurialism, has presented us all with the wonderful ability to think outside of the box with regard to our livelihoods. With that, however, (and the aforementioned high debt and high unemployment) has come a shift in timeline for classic benchmarks. I rather like the fact that the checklists are being edited, but it can cause some internal struggle when society at large (especially older generations) still reinforce those guidelines. 

Hence, I write this to tell my peers and fellow comrades leery of Facebook-comparison not to judge ourselves so harshly or feel as though we have come up short. 

This is not an argument in favor of complacency, rather it is a suggestion to inject some kindness into whatever inner monologue is happening in our minds. Take away any previously held assertions and instead focus on our own happiness. Of all of the things to feel frustrated about, not meeting arbitrary benchmarks shouldn't be one of them. Sorting out life will always come with its unique set of complications and confusions so perhaps we can at least remove one unhelpful point of upset.

And even more importantly, for those who may "have it all together" let's be clear: you are allowed to still have crappy days. You are allowed to both love your life and be slightly envious of the freedom that can come with being a mess. You are allowed to one day wake up and decide that your current "all together" needs to change to a different version of togetherness. Just as we amblers are allowed to have the best of days (as well as the worst of days that lead to even better days). Amblers are allowed to both love the journey and sometimes shed salty tears of dismay. We are allowed to wake up one day and decide that our feet are tired and we'd like to hang our boots here for a while. 

Photos via Pinterest

My Thoughts on Native Advertising

We live in an interesting world these days with respect to information dissemination. More than ever breaking news is available at our fingertips, whether streamed live into our phones, computers, tablets or televisions. Nearly everyone has a camera at the ready in case they need to document some random happening in their own lives or capture (what used to be unseen) moments in other people's lives. While access to information is largely positive, with respect to important global events and accelerated communication when necessary, we have created a strange new environment of information overload. Suddenly any comment can be presented as legitimate information. As a result, we have forgotten the importance of utilizing only credible sources.

There is a new phenomenon where reporters essentially regurgitate the words of their viewers in the hopes of pandering to them in order to increase ratings. Instead of providing substantial information backed by research, news anchors and pundits spin emotional tales devoid of facts because they believe they are reflective of their viewers current opinions. The idea being that instead of informing the public, "news" programs simply tell people what they want to hear, thus increasing viewership.

How nuts is it that ratings drives content in the reporting of national and international news?! 

The problem is that that news is a business. Ratings matter because journalists, and all of the people whose jobs are involved with researching what is happening in the world and then informing us about it, need to be paid for their time and effort, and increasingly, we (the public) don't want to do that anymore. If we aren't going to pay for our news in the classical sense of purchasing the medium news comes in (i.e. newspapers), then advertisers are going to become news outlets' main source of income. 

The truth is that as print media loses out to the internet, news organizations have moved online. Most major newspapers have web versions of their papers with the same content. The difference is that because we are used to websites being viewable for free (outside of paying for internet access), readers don't like the idea of paying to view newspaper articles online.

As a result, our "news" must debase itself into being nothing more than fodder for viewers in order to serve as filler for advertisements. Even worse, sometimes the "news" itself has become actual advertisements.

Think HBO's business model versus that of basic cable. HBO doesn't have commercials because its viewers pay directly for access to its content. On basic cable, however, networks make money by selling advertisements. They utilize popular content to draw viewers in to each time slot.

Print news used to operate on a more HBO-like model where the public simply paid for the papers themselves. The papers contained some advertisements, but ads were easily identified as being paid advertisements unaffiliated with content.

As the trend has moved more and more towards ad-generated revenue, media are experimenting with new ways of injecting advertisements into their products. Instead of simply cramming in more obvious ads, advertisements are becoming integrated directly into content.

It's called Native Advertising.

Native Advertising is when actual posts, segments and articles are directly sponsored by a company.

These ads are made to look like independent reporting, but are paid for by outside companies.

It's the difference between an independent tester evaluating toothpastes and declaring a winner and Colgate sponsoring an article that (surprise!) names Colgate toothpaste as the best.

While these sponsored posts, segments and articles will technically be labeled as sponsored content, they are purposefully designed to appear as regular content. There is a range of native advertising to be sure, with some being relatively innocuous. Unfortunately, there is the darker side where sponsored opinion posts work incredibly hard to appear as independent, investigative journalism. 

John Oliver did a fantastic segment on Native Advertising, covering many of the topics I have mentioned above. Check it out below.

Given this new reality of sponsored content invading our journalism, how can we fight back? Well, for one, we might want to try being cool with directly paying for quality content. 

I know. Clearly we have a problem with this or we wouldn't be having this conversation, but come on people! Most of us can afford to pay a few dollars for news. After all, many of us pay for Netflix.

Look into actually paying for a newspaper or online subscription. If cost is a huge concern, be on the lookout for the many deals and sales going on that further slash their prices.

The second thing you can do is teach yourself about Native Advertising and be wary of any content with a mention of a sponsor. Some of it is harmless, but if an article is attempting to make a persuasive argument about an important national or global issue, be sure to make note of any sponsorships. Would the sponsor have a particular stake in the conclusion? While I am sure that an article could be written independently and then receive sponsorship after the fact, the whole notion of sponsorship makes me suspicious of manipulation of facts and tone.

There are many books written about marketing and the art of persuasion, such as the one above. If you are interested in learning about how our figurative buttons are being pushed, check them out.

And that brings me to number three. If you agree with me and will never fully trust information sponsorship, then by all means, let your news outlets know this. Tell them that they are compromising their integrity. 

It's one thing to slap a name on a thing for mere product placement (hello every sports event ever "Brought to you by ______!") and something entirely different to sponsor content that reflects positively on your company under the guise of independent journalism. I think we need to tell our media where the line is drawn. 

Obviously, news outlets are entitled to make money, but we should tell them that we view their content for reliable news. We tolerate their advertisements as a necessary part of the equation as long as their news remains untarnished. Once they lose credibility, we will no longer be buying.

Then take our business elsewhere. (Or take our viewing eyes elsewhere.)

While I would argue that many news outlets have long since lost their credibility, many more may be compromised due to this trend. If we find our current resource is becoming inundated with troublesome native advertising, we should switch to sources that aren't.

It's All Things

Not all that surprisingly, many people have asked me, "What's it like to be back in LA?"

I've been trying to figure out how to answer that question and what I have discovered is rather simple: it is all things.

All of the things.

It is strange. It is also normal, which feels kind of strange. It is scary, exciting, daunting, brimming with possibility. Both familiar and different.

The answer to the question, "Is it ______?" is yes.

My emotions and sensory perceptions are very changeable. 

It's not that I am feeling every emotion all at once, rather I feel each emotion in quick succession. One moment I'm focused on the possibilities and then I have a momentary freak out.

It's similar to the latest studies that have come out on multitasking, stating that we never really multitask, but instead simply switch back and forth between different actions very quickly.  

It helps to be doing. Idleness for me is the enemy of positive thought. Do not confuse relaxation with idleness; sometimes all I want to do is sit with a cup of tea and watch a favorite show. But that usually comes after having accomplished things and then my mind is happy to chill out. Meditation is not idleness either. Idleness stems from confusion. The "huh, what should I do now?" that can happen when I don't really have anywhere I need to be, my mind is too worn out to write any more job applications, but not quite so tired as to merit just chilling out.  Basically, it is when I create the story within my own head that I should be doing something and I don't really have anything on the docket.

Once again, it is just me. Being crazy. Creating my own upset.

I'm working on it.

Overall, things are quite good.

I'm anxious about employment and income and all of those grownup things, but I'm working towards a happy result, I can tell. It is coming. I'm having interviews, I'm reacquainting with old friends, and I'm remembering/learning my way around this silly city again. I went to Disneyland.

Things are working out and looking up and all other positive turns of phrase. I'm just in a constant state of flux. Which, clearly, most of me really loves. It must, or I wouldn't constantly find myself in these transition phases. Most of me loves change. Is comforted by discomfort. I suppose it makes me feel as if I'm growing, which I am. One of these days, (soon, pretty please) the other part of me is going to learn to trust it and stop spinning stories born of fear and anxiety.

That will be a beautiful day.

photo: 1. source 2. source

Owning My Fear

Fear. The most cutting of all four letter words. I've talked a bit about fear and consciously choosing to surround myself with supportive folks. (For example, this blog post here.) I am talking about it again because it's a common theme in my life, and as I have discovered, a common theme in many people's lives.

I am a strong believer that for anyone who is attempting to suss out a life by way of uncharted territory, it is extra important to choose the company you keep carefully. 

There are people that throw around the word "can't" too freely. They wield it like a sword ready to cut down those that seek to stray from the acceptable path.

The strange truth is that despite how it may seem, these people are probably not out to hurt us. People who inject such negativity into other people's lives are far too consumed by their own experiences for it to truly be about us. It is about them. Their attitudes are a reflection upon their own inhibitions or life circumstances.  

This awareness lends me some compassion towards people that say unsupportive things, but it does not mean that I need to choose to prolong interaction with them. And nor do you if you find yourself in a room full of naysayers. You can leave that room. 

I'm also learning that fear is not a bad thing. It is how we respond to our fears that matters.

These days my level of inner calm is a pendulum.  

I started to panic about moving back to LA because I had, somewhat arbitrarily, set the end of April as my departure date. This having to do mainly with the fact that my birthday is at the end of April and therefore it felt like a good time to high-tail it out of here. Seeing as how it is already mid-April, that date was clearly overly ambitious. Time flew and I felt completely unprepared.  I was supposed to fit in multiple trips before leaving! Not to mention actually getting packed and ready.  

The pendulum had swung too far to the right; I was feeling rushed, completely caught off guard by the swift passage of time.

Then my mother calmly reminded me through an episode of hysterics on the phone that I set this date for myself and I didn't actually have to be out by a certain time.

Oh, right.

As it turns out, delaying making concrete departure plans was a good thing, as there are new developments in the works causing some shifting in dates. 

After this release of my timetable, I had a few days of genuine calm. I felt at ease for the first time in a while.

And then the pendulum started to swing back the other way. Now there were too many questions! When AM I getting out of here? Seriously, what AM I doing? Is LA the right move? GAH!

Hello, my name is Katie Anxiety Habib.

I am a bit ridiculous and I suppose the only redeeming quality is that I know it and can ultimately laugh about it; you know, when I'm not in the midst of a frenzy.  Wait, I take it back. I have been known to do a laugh-cry.

The take away here is that it is all going to be okay.

(Did that feel like a leap? Stay with me.)

And since that is really all that I ever need to hear, I am saying it to you. 

It is all going to be okay.

If you have genuine dreams and are in active pursuit of those dreams, keep trucking! Living with uncertainty is a rather uncomfortable place to be, but I am a big believer in pushing ourselves, striving for new horizons and embracing change. Even in my only 27 (nearly 28 now!) years, I can already see the truth in Mark Twain's words, "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than the things you did do."  

Foraging ahead is scary. It is. If we are the one clearing the path then we don't know for certain what the future looks like. 

Living in the questions is not how we are taught to function. If you find yourself in a state of anxiety over your life, make the question smaller until it feels manageable.  If your entire life feels like one big question mark, and at the moment that feels terrifying instead of freeing —and it can absolutely be the latter! That's my ultimate goal. If you are already there, Bravo! But if you are like me and that level of trust is still a burgeoning practice, give this a whirl— stop asking that large of a question. Don't ask yourself how your life will look five years from now. Focus on just this year, or this month, this day, or even just this very moment. What is it that you want to do right now? What would make you feel calm and centered right now?

And trust me, we want to feel calm and centered. From that place we can conquer the world.   

Big Announcement

I’m moving back to LA. 

For how long or exactly what that entails, I do not know.  I’m trying ever so hard to be okay with living in that uncertainty.  In my daydreams I thrive on uncertainty.  Gypsy-wanderer style.  But in my current, everyday reality, such massive uncertainty freaks me the hell out.

To be fair, I am prone to anxiety.  I’m working on it.

I don’t have the specific date of departure yet, but it looks like I will be leaving in the end of April and road tripping it out to Los Angeles.

via fanpop

Annnnnd....enter overwhelm.

Here I am attempting to plan what should amount to a truly epic cross-country road trip with my best friend, and yet all of the questions and details have turned me into an insomniac.

Because here is the thing:  I’m going out there without a job.  Without a fully developed plan.  I mean, I have a partial plan.  I have people that I can stay with and the intention of subletting over the summer so that I don’t have to buy furniture or commit to a lease until I find my footing, with just enough money to do so.  But just enough.  I will need to figure out an income stream fairly quickly and that is stressful. 

I’m from a family that ensures that everything is already worked out ahead of time, instead of trusting that everything will work out in time.

Yes, I am the token risk taker of the family, and I generally like to be flexible and care-free, but my genetics and upbringing betray me and the secret truth is that their fears and concerns do affect me. 

Interestingly, I’ve got their support on this one.  They know that I have spun myself a tangled web of frustration and restlessness that needs to be broken.  They trust that this is a good move for me.  Beyond good-- necessary.

But then what?

I’ll admit that I hunger for my adventures to include a lot more international travel.  That is certainly the goal.  But, seeing as how I generally want to see EVERYWHERE, I also want to explore more of the U.S.A.  This is a rather large country, after all.  There is a lot here.

via pinterest

A cross-country road trip is on my bucket list and here I am planning to check it off.  That’s amazing.  Plus, I am going to Charleston in a couple days.  Hopefully, Boston next month.  And then I’ll be road trippin’ it.  I even have potential plans to go up to San Francisco for a few days in May and I’ve always wanted to do a pacific coast road trip as well.  So maybe that can be the plan for now.  I’ll get my wandering in state-side first.  I’ll gypsy around the U.S. and enjoy some domestic hungry adventures.  (And get a job of some sort, of course.)

Instead of stressing over how to make everything work out, and how to include all of the epic adventures that I want to have IMMEDIATELY, I will be excited about this change.

(She says because, “Words are the first step towards deeds!” Right, Liz Lemon!)

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In truth, writing this all down is helpful.  It pulls the words out of my brain and removes some of the mental clutter.  Between this and some newly revamped sleep hygiene, I’m starting to be able to fall asleep before the wee hours of the morning. 

Progress.

Thoughts on Having a Healthy Holiday

I don't know about you, but I get a little tired of all of the articles about how to get through the holidays without "blowing your diet" or gaining a bunch of weight.  It seems to me that we may be over thinking it a bit.  There are parties other times of the year, after all, and just because it is the holiday season, which inevitably involves a lot of baking, doesn't mean that everyone is defenseless against an urge to double their calorie intake.

via heartsmartcpr.com

Granted, if you are actively trying to lose weight, then most likely there is some degree of hunger, or at least a lack of fullness, that makes being surrounded by tempting treats especially hard.  And for that, yes, a few strategies to make it easier are great.  They are rather obvious, but they bear repeating: stay away from the food table and socialize with friends instead; make a conscious choice to only eat your one favorite treat; avoid alcohol or go for healthier choices such as wine over sugary mixed drinks, if there won't be healthy options at the party don't show up hungry; and of course eat mindfully.

Those are honest and intelligent tips, and they technically apply to anyone for whom the holidays pose a challenge.  

My point, though, since there are plenty of articles out there that mention those tips and others is that maybe we are imposing a problem upon people for whom they don't actually need to be worried about holiday eating.  I don't like the implication that everyone innately has a desire to consume way more energy than they are expending at holiday time and that this is an urge that must be fought!

I don't think that mentality is empowering to people.  I also think that, for many, it sets up a self-fulfilling prophecy.  

What if we didn't tell people that they are going to have a strong desire to eat the entire pie and that they must arm themselves with strategies to fight the good fight? Would people be able to naturally eat mindfully? Would people not feel like they want to eat all of the treats instead of just one or two of their favorites if we don't tell them they will want to eat everything? What about the implication that this is a special time of the year where eating habits always change- which could mean "take advantage of the crazy foods before they're gone!" or "eat until you're sick, that's the point!"  Or, and this a controversial one: what if it didn't seem completely horrific to gain a couple pounds in the winter and lose them in the warmer months?  There is still a lot of research to be done in this area, but maybe we naturally have slightly larger appetites in the winter and smaller appetites in the summer and being the exact same weight year round isn't important.

I don't actually have the answers to these questions, most likely because it doesn't apply the same to everyone.  We are all different, unique individuals for whom there is no one right diet that fits everyone.  That includes the holidays. There probably are some people for whom the holidays do entice them to eat a lot more, and it is partially due to societal influence.  Not everyone, but some.  Since that is a less discussed topic, I'd like to offer a new perspective for the good of those people: chill out and just enjoy the holidays.

Enter Overwhelm

And BAM!

It hit me.  The HOLY CRAP I'm really doing this!  I don't even have a departure date set and I'm already feeling panicked.  

I started thinking about all of the things that I will need to accomplish before I leave:

• Open a Charles Schwab bank account (considered by travelers to be the best bank account for travel, they reimburse your ATM fees)
• Get some vaccinations (probably, depending on where I plan on going.)
• Figure out at least SOME of where I'm going
• Sell my car? (If I plan to be gone long term, this seems like the smart move)
• Entrance visa for at least my first destination
• Buy travel insurance (a must for travelers!)
• Buy a few travel related health and safety items (locks, door stop, whistle etc)
• Actually purchase plane tickets and book initial accommodation

All of that can feel like a bit much, but honestly I think what really got to me was a panic about money.  I'm pretty sure it all started with the realization that my current Bank of America account has a minimum balance requirement.  That just cut into my travel fund!

I really ought to calm down because the truth is that I can simply close that account. If I want a separate savings account to store some cash while I'm off, I'm probably better off opening a CD or something that might get at least a minuscule amount of interest anyway.

So okay, I'm starting to talk myself down.  But DAMN, it's amazing how easily and quickly I can freak out! 

via Pinterest

I'm trying to trust life.  I'm trying to trust the words of all the wonderful travel bloggers out there who promise that it will be alright, that I will figure this out as I go.  I'm also trying to remind myself that anytime I've started a new adventure, whether it be stateside or overseas, even though it ended up being AMAZING it was terrifying and tough at first.

I suppose that is the way of truly worthwhile experiences.  They move you out of your comfort zone and into a place where you can grow.  

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I have a notoriously chatty mind.  Trying to get it to just shut up and be quiet already is not easy.  But maybe I shouldn't be trying to fight it as much as work with it.  Maybe learning how to embrace the part of me that over-thinks instead of wishing I would just chill out is the key.  

An ability to think about different possibilities and plan for those possibilities is actually a strength.  It is just the fear and paralyzation that can come with it that is the problem.

Perhaps that is the lesson: getting the head, heart and gut to all work in tandem. 

via Pinterest

So that's over with

It is a touch anti-climatic.

Months worth of studying priming my mind just to be able to fill in 200 bubbles with pencil. (#2 only!)

Strange.

I think I may be detoxing from the stress.  Stiff neck, exhaustion, overall feeling of queasiness.  It is slowing sinking in, however, that I may actually be able to move forward.  That I can close those books.

That possibility is exciting. 

Instead of letting the pressure come crashing in with endless "Now whats?" and "Hows?" I'm going to try to release into a little bit of weightlessness.  If only for a little while.

photo credit: Pinterest

Visualization, Goals and The Vortex

It's a tough business trying to get ideas off the ground.  Especially trying to chart new territory.  I find myself waxing and waning between moments of certainty and determination, and moments of hesitation and self-doubt. 

It's infuriating.

Trying to stay in that space of hopeful presumption.   Time for a conscious choice.

I'm choosing to let go and move forward from my negative thought patterns.  I'm acknowledging them, honoring the place in me that they derived from, and visualizing them leaving.  Out my window. Through the door.  To the wind.  Gone.

I don't need them any more. 

I'm sure fear has its place.  Warning of dark caves where literal hungry beasts could be hiding in the days of cavemen and hunters, a fearful pit in the stomach would be helpful.  But this is not that.  This isn't intuition's alarm bells, either.  This is negative, critical self talk.

While I believe in independence, inner strength and a general "I don't care if you like it" attitude to doing your own thing and following your own bliss, it is massively helpful to be around encouraging souls.

Confidence is contagious.

So is fear. 

Therefore, I'm making the choice.  I will spend time talking to people who drive my ambitions not those who indulge my hesitation.  I will listen to Abraham Hicks because it brings me joy and moves me into the vortex.  And I will say words like "vortex" without irony or haughty derision because I genuinely talk like that. 

Being in your twenties is universally hard.  Or at least that has been my experience and the experience of my friends, family, pretty much anyone I talk to.  There is typically an expectation now that one is an "adult" the previous self-discovery type quests and questions have been undertaken and answered.  Nope.  I'm still figuring it out.  I'm fairly certain most of us are still figuring it.  But I'm done comparing myself to others and questioning my desire to take the road less traveled.

I'm inspired by people who take different paths.  I feel drawn to have an adventurous life.  I don't think that is wrong.  I think it will make me happy.  And I believe that when someone is happy, everyone wins. 

I have goals, aspirations and desires to live my life in a way that is true to myself. 

Those of you who feel compelled to live a life that may be considered by some to be more radical, I hope you choose to be your most authentic self and listen to your inner cheerleader and not the inside (and outside) voices of doubt.

photo credits: Pinterest

Ok, for real this time

OK, truth time.  I wrote that first post well over a month ago and I just now posted it.  Man, am I victim of my own inner critic or what?!  I literally said to myself WEEKS ago that my procrastinating was bullshit, and I kept procrastinating!  So, here I am writing to say that as of this week, I’m done. 

I thought about editing that last post to exclude the comments about graduation being a month-ish away, but that felt wrong.  It felt like a cover up of my own lame continued procrastination and I didn’t want to do that.  I want to be honest and say, yep, I talked a good talk there for a while and I still had nothing to show for it.  But NOW that ends.  I’m putting this together and I’m putting this out there despite the fact that I still feel remarkably unsure of myself.  I have such dreams of grandeur for this site, and one day it will look like and be all that I’ve imagined, but for now it’s a work in progress that I’m OWNING right NOW. 

This week has been hard.  With the official completion of my Master's degree, I'm having one of those classic "...and now what?!" moments. 

So, next step? 

Ummm….keep applying to jobs?  Save up some money?  Get my ass on a plane? 

That last one needs to happen.  But exactly how?  Should I get a "real" job and save up money for a bit and then hit the road (or air)?  Or should I go ahead and jump on a plane to a low cost of living country and figure out a source of income on the fly?  How about Peacecorps?  Joining the Peacecorp has been an idea of mine for many many years, and I'm thinking that it may be an excellent way to see the world, be of service, and gain priceless life education.  But it is a 27 month commitment.  Is that what I want?

Time to do some soul searching and see what comes up.

photo credits: Pinterest

Welcome to The Hungry Gypsy

I have been putting off starting this site for a little while now.  You see the grand plan for this site is to document my hungry travel adventures.  Hunger both for food, yes, and the deeper soul hunger.  I want to talk about healing, happiness and connection.  A big part of that will be about food, but not all of it.  Sounds great! (I say to myself) So what’s the problem?

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The issue is that at the moment, I’m not actually traveling.  I had it in my mind that I couldn’t possibly start this site until I was literally on the road, with travel stories to share and wondrous photos to post.  And then I decided that was bullshit.  That it was an excuse to not be doing what I want to be doing, which is kind of reminiscent of my life right now where I am not traveling instead of traveling. 

So technically I am a wannabe, which even though I don’t honestly believe this, feels kind of like being a fraud.  But that, once again, is the little critic in my head telling me lies.  The truth (I imagine) is that the story of how I will get from here (not yet traveling) to there (actually traveling) is going to be an adventure all its own, and hopefully will make for a damn good story (or an introduction to my even larger story).  After all, I am hardly the only twenty-something gal who wants to be traveling, but isn’t, so I figure maybe I can be a tad helpful to those of you out there who will be able to learn from my (sure to happen) trials and tribulations. 

So here’s the run down on why I want to do this.  I had the wonderful, amazing, fabulous, fantastic, stellar (insert additional positive adjectives here) experience of studying abroad in New Zealand during my undergrad.  I spent approximately 6 months back packing around The Way Down Under, with a couple of short jaunts to Australia and Fiji thrown in for good measure.  Ever since then I’ve had the travel bug and I’ve had it bad.  And that was in….2007.

….Yea.  So what on Earth happened between 2007 and now?  Well, I returned to Los Angeles and completed my bachelor’s at USC.  Then, I moved into my first big girl apartment in LA where I was actually responsible for rent and bills.  (Although to be fair, my parents did help me out a couple of times with some fast cash when my rent check would have bounced….yikes.  Those were bad times.  I literally gave myself a stress rash two months in a row when rent was due.  I’m not proud of those times.) 

Then I managed to stabilize my income slightly and moved into my own 1 bedroom apartment, still in LA, and learned how much I crave and appreciate some alone time.  GOOD LORD was it glorious to come home and have space all to myself!  Unfortunately, I was also a highly unsatisfied waitress at the time.  It was then that I discovered that I was a NERD for food documentaries, food/nutrition books, cooking, and EATING of course.  I love how food connects all people and is the centerpiece of culture.  I’ve always been an outdoorsy environmentalist, so I easily became entranced with knowing where our food comes from and the impact of various farming practices.  So, this whole obsession with “food as medicine” and the idea of really wanting to help people and be of service resulted in me going back to school to get my Master’s Degree in Nutrition and Integrative Health.  The catch?  The program was back in Maryland, where I’m originally from, and I would be moving out of my solo haven back in with my parents…into my old high school room.  Of course the original plan was to crash at my parents only for a few months until I got a full time job and moved into my own place.

HA. HA.  Cut to nearly two years later and I am still living at my parents’ because grad school is hard (dammit!) and there are only 24 hours in a day, which means that being a full time student and working full time was crazy talk.  Instead, I got a part time job that paid (sadly) far less than what I was making as a waitress in LA.  Although, at least I’m no longer a fucking waitress.  (Or “server” for you restaurant types.  You restaurant types will also understand why I said the previous statement and why the language was 100% necessary.)

So here I am.  Finishing up my M.S. and completing my clinical internship, while working part time in a wellness center and sleeping in my old twin-sized bed (I shit you not).  I am staring down graduation in (hopefully) a month or so, assuming I can complete all of my clinical requirements that quickly, and I really don’t know what is next.  I do know that I want to travel.  Now I’ve got to figure out how to make that happen.

So I decided to take the plunge.  If my dream is to one day (quite soon, hopefully) be on the road with a travel-food-community-wellness-soul centered website, then maybe I should start the damn website.  So here it is, my new site dedicated to trying to live a life of adventure and following my bliss all starting while I’m still finishing up my Master’s Degree and crashing at my parents’ house.  Let’s do this.

Photo credits: Pinterest