Not all that surprisingly, many people have asked me, "What's it like to be back in LA?"
I've been trying to figure out how to answer that question and what I have discovered is rather simple: it is all things.
All of the things.
It is strange. It is also normal, which feels kind of strange. It is scary, exciting, daunting, brimming with possibility. Both familiar and different.
The answer to the question, "Is it ______?" is yes.
My emotions and sensory perceptions are very changeable.
It's not that I am feeling every emotion all at once, rather I feel each emotion in quick succession. One moment I'm focused on the possibilities and then I have a momentary freak out.
It's similar to the latest studies that have come out on multitasking, stating that we never really multitask, but instead simply switch back and forth between different actions very quickly.
It helps to be doing. Idleness for me is the enemy of positive thought. Do not confuse relaxation with idleness; sometimes all I want to do is sit with a cup of tea and watch a favorite show. But that usually comes after having accomplished things and then my mind is happy to chill out. Meditation is not idleness either. Idleness stems from confusion. The "huh, what should I do now?" that can happen when I don't really have anywhere I need to be, my mind is too worn out to write any more job applications, but not quite so tired as to merit just chilling out. Basically, it is when I create the story within my own head that I should be doing something and I don't really have anything on the docket.
Once again, it is just me. Being crazy. Creating my own upset.
I'm working on it.
Overall, things are quite good.
I'm anxious about employment and income and all of those grownup things, but I'm working towards a happy result, I can tell. It is coming. I'm having interviews, I'm reacquainting with old friends, and I'm remembering/learning my way around this silly city again. I went to Disneyland.
Things are working out and looking up and all other positive turns of phrase. I'm just in a constant state of flux. Which, clearly, most of me really loves. It must, or I wouldn't constantly find myself in these transition phases. Most of me loves change. Is comforted by discomfort. I suppose it makes me feel as if I'm growing, which I am. One of these days, (soon, pretty please) the other part of me is going to learn to trust it and stop spinning stories born of fear and anxiety.
That will be a beautiful day.