In my 28th year

I turned 28 on Saturday.

Apparently, that is supposed to mean something. Some metaphorical turning of the page.

Our society is rather preoccupied with youth, aging, not-appearing-to-be-aging, and physical decay.  

It's bizarre, actually.

Besides stemming from a fear of death, why would aging be seen as such an awful thing?

If we are able to remove the deep-seated fear of death that most people carry, can we stop viewing birthdays as worrisome passage of time? What if we count our lives in lessons learned or experiences had? I want to keep track of fears overcome and the degree to which I have learned how to love. Those take time to accumulate, thus living (and aging) is beautiful progress.

We seem to assign certain expectations and common benchmarks to different ages, as if we are bound by these rules on a cellular level. Your choices are your own. You do not have to subscribe to the notion that you are ever too old to try new things, have adventures or make big life changes. 

I find it exceptionally funny, if somewhat strange and even a bit disheartening, that we seem to do this to ourselves at such remarkably (and increasingly) young ages. I remember having a bit of a crisis at turning 22.

22!

At the time, I felt as though I had surpassed all of the birthdays where I had new allowances to look forward to. 16 and a driver's license, 18 and a legal adult, 21 and legal to drink alcohol...they were all behind me. On top of it, with every passing 20-something year I was feeling stressed about meeting expectations that I had set out for myself.  

I was not yet working a job I loved. I wasn't where I wanted to be financially. And since I am attempting to do artistic and entrepreneurial things, there have been very few ways to measure my strides towards those goals. I felt frustrated and lost. 

Which is exactly why each birthday was vexing. It brought up the disconnect between my previous expectations and my reality.

It was all in my mind.

I invented the problem and I could just as easily allow for the solution. 

Let go.

Once I let go of my associations between a number and my story about what that represented, everything shifted. 

This is a relatively recent realization. 26 is probably when I started to recognize that I was being rather unkind to myself and perhaps I should cut it out. Granted, this isn't like switching on a light; where once it's on it's on. I still ponder about my age and my life each April, but these days I am able to (mostly) be an observer of the moment.  

Okay, so I do wonder if I'm starting to look older. I am firmly in my LATE twenties now. I still get carded at bars, but I have been curious about how my appearance has changed over the 8 years that I have been in my twenties. Luckily for me, Photo Booth exists.

If you were to look at Photo Booth on my computer (the made-for-selfie's application on Mac laptops) I would look incredibly narcissistic. And that makes me laugh. The good news about having yearly selfie sessions (that normally stay for-my-eyes only) is that it is a wonderful exercise in aging. 

Below, for your viewing pleasure (and perhaps just for a good laugh at my expense) is a collage of various computer selfie's from the past 8 years all mixed up. Besides the hilarious observation that I clearly prefer one side of my face to the other, and that I like to either prop up my chin or my hair with my hand, I think that it is remarkably hard to arrange the correct chronological order. 

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Despite the overly self-involved nature of selfies, I think I will continue to have a solo Photo Booth session annually. I think it will be an interesting way to track myself over time and have some fun with the aging process.

Even making this collage has been surprisingly self-affirming. A welcome reminder that the passage of time is both compelling and rather unworthy of our apprehension.

Yes, I recognize that this is a collage of my twenties, not a collage spanning over multiple decades into middle age, but since I had already begun to agonize over possible unwanted changes, it is good to remember that the voices in my head that like to self-criticize are dumb.

When I'm 50, I hope to enjoy looking at my appearance from over the ages and see the beauty in each passing year. Hopefully, I will think back to the moments in my twenties when I thought unkind things about my appearance, remember how ridiculous that was, have a good laugh, and admire my wonderful laughter lines; appreciating that I had a marvelous time creating those creases.

And then I hope that when I'm 90, I look back on my appearance into my senior years, still seeing the beauty, and think back to when I was 50 and thought that I had laughter lines. But no, oh no, little did I know how much more laughter I still had ahead of me to really make them stick.

Owning My Fear

Fear. The most cutting of all four letter words. I've talked a bit about fear and consciously choosing to surround myself with supportive folks. (For example, this blog post here.) I am talking about it again because it's a common theme in my life, and as I have discovered, a common theme in many people's lives.

I am a strong believer that for anyone who is attempting to suss out a life by way of uncharted territory, it is extra important to choose the company you keep carefully. 

There are people that throw around the word "can't" too freely. They wield it like a sword ready to cut down those that seek to stray from the acceptable path.

The strange truth is that despite how it may seem, these people are probably not out to hurt us. People who inject such negativity into other people's lives are far too consumed by their own experiences for it to truly be about us. It is about them. Their attitudes are a reflection upon their own inhibitions or life circumstances.  

This awareness lends me some compassion towards people that say unsupportive things, but it does not mean that I need to choose to prolong interaction with them. And nor do you if you find yourself in a room full of naysayers. You can leave that room. 

I'm also learning that fear is not a bad thing. It is how we respond to our fears that matters.

These days my level of inner calm is a pendulum.  

I started to panic about moving back to LA because I had, somewhat arbitrarily, set the end of April as my departure date. This having to do mainly with the fact that my birthday is at the end of April and therefore it felt like a good time to high-tail it out of here. Seeing as how it is already mid-April, that date was clearly overly ambitious. Time flew and I felt completely unprepared.  I was supposed to fit in multiple trips before leaving! Not to mention actually getting packed and ready.  

The pendulum had swung too far to the right; I was feeling rushed, completely caught off guard by the swift passage of time.

Then my mother calmly reminded me through an episode of hysterics on the phone that I set this date for myself and I didn't actually have to be out by a certain time.

Oh, right.

As it turns out, delaying making concrete departure plans was a good thing, as there are new developments in the works causing some shifting in dates. 

After this release of my timetable, I had a few days of genuine calm. I felt at ease for the first time in a while.

And then the pendulum started to swing back the other way. Now there were too many questions! When AM I getting out of here? Seriously, what AM I doing? Is LA the right move? GAH!

Hello, my name is Katie Anxiety Habib.

I am a bit ridiculous and I suppose the only redeeming quality is that I know it and can ultimately laugh about it; you know, when I'm not in the midst of a frenzy.  Wait, I take it back. I have been known to do a laugh-cry.

The take away here is that it is all going to be okay.

(Did that feel like a leap? Stay with me.)

And since that is really all that I ever need to hear, I am saying it to you. 

It is all going to be okay.

If you have genuine dreams and are in active pursuit of those dreams, keep trucking! Living with uncertainty is a rather uncomfortable place to be, but I am a big believer in pushing ourselves, striving for new horizons and embracing change. Even in my only 27 (nearly 28 now!) years, I can already see the truth in Mark Twain's words, "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than the things you did do."  

Foraging ahead is scary. It is. If we are the one clearing the path then we don't know for certain what the future looks like. 

Living in the questions is not how we are taught to function. If you find yourself in a state of anxiety over your life, make the question smaller until it feels manageable.  If your entire life feels like one big question mark, and at the moment that feels terrifying instead of freeing —and it can absolutely be the latter! That's my ultimate goal. If you are already there, Bravo! But if you are like me and that level of trust is still a burgeoning practice, give this a whirl— stop asking that large of a question. Don't ask yourself how your life will look five years from now. Focus on just this year, or this month, this day, or even just this very moment. What is it that you want to do right now? What would make you feel calm and centered right now?

And trust me, we want to feel calm and centered. From that place we can conquer the world.   

Big Announcement

I’m moving back to LA. 

For how long or exactly what that entails, I do not know.  I’m trying ever so hard to be okay with living in that uncertainty.  In my daydreams I thrive on uncertainty.  Gypsy-wanderer style.  But in my current, everyday reality, such massive uncertainty freaks me the hell out.

To be fair, I am prone to anxiety.  I’m working on it.

I don’t have the specific date of departure yet, but it looks like I will be leaving in the end of April and road tripping it out to Los Angeles.

via fanpop

Annnnnd....enter overwhelm.

Here I am attempting to plan what should amount to a truly epic cross-country road trip with my best friend, and yet all of the questions and details have turned me into an insomniac.

Because here is the thing:  I’m going out there without a job.  Without a fully developed plan.  I mean, I have a partial plan.  I have people that I can stay with and the intention of subletting over the summer so that I don’t have to buy furniture or commit to a lease until I find my footing, with just enough money to do so.  But just enough.  I will need to figure out an income stream fairly quickly and that is stressful. 

I’m from a family that ensures that everything is already worked out ahead of time, instead of trusting that everything will work out in time.

Yes, I am the token risk taker of the family, and I generally like to be flexible and care-free, but my genetics and upbringing betray me and the secret truth is that their fears and concerns do affect me. 

Interestingly, I’ve got their support on this one.  They know that I have spun myself a tangled web of frustration and restlessness that needs to be broken.  They trust that this is a good move for me.  Beyond good-- necessary.

But then what?

I’ll admit that I hunger for my adventures to include a lot more international travel.  That is certainly the goal.  But, seeing as how I generally want to see EVERYWHERE, I also want to explore more of the U.S.A.  This is a rather large country, after all.  There is a lot here.

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A cross-country road trip is on my bucket list and here I am planning to check it off.  That’s amazing.  Plus, I am going to Charleston in a couple days.  Hopefully, Boston next month.  And then I’ll be road trippin’ it.  I even have potential plans to go up to San Francisco for a few days in May and I’ve always wanted to do a pacific coast road trip as well.  So maybe that can be the plan for now.  I’ll get my wandering in state-side first.  I’ll gypsy around the U.S. and enjoy some domestic hungry adventures.  (And get a job of some sort, of course.)

Instead of stressing over how to make everything work out, and how to include all of the epic adventures that I want to have IMMEDIATELY, I will be excited about this change.

(She says because, “Words are the first step towards deeds!” Right, Liz Lemon!)

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In truth, writing this all down is helpful.  It pulls the words out of my brain and removes some of the mental clutter.  Between this and some newly revamped sleep hygiene, I’m starting to be able to fall asleep before the wee hours of the morning. 

Progress.

Compare Much?

I got published in Flux!

Thanks Flux!

In their own words: Flux is a space for those of us who are trying to navigate the beginnings of adulthood to safely express our views and experiences on topics that affect our daily lives. Personal stories, reflections, political views—they all have a place here. This is a judgment-free zone for those of us working to figure out what it means to be a “grownup.”

Here is an excerpt of my article titled Maybe Other People's Lives Don't Matter.

As it turns out, turning twenty didn’t actually make me much less like a teenager.

At 18, I really did think of myself as discerning and astute. I had it in my head that I was now a real-life adult and that I was in control of my own life. In actuality, I was often affected by my surroundings and fairly insecure about a lot of things. I suppose being easily influenced is a rather common trait among teenagers. Unfortunately, that unpleasant state of confusion and that search for exterior validation didn’t magically go away when I turned twenty.

I’ve come to realize that classic “peer pressure,” which is often depicted as an exclusive product of childhood, sticks around well into adulthood. In fact, there is a solid possibility that I will one day be 70 and will face manipulation by my fellow 70 year olds. (I’ve worked in a country club and witnessed this happening first-hand.) But, it is definitely an epidemic when we’re in our twenties. I mean seriously, why do you think the most coveted key demographic for advertisers is 18-34? Because we are impressionable! And on top of that, we tend to buy shit. Because we actually believe that we need it!

Granted, besides the already often-discussed consequences of consumerism-gone-wild, I don’t actually think that wanting to wear fashionable clothes or have the latest iPhone is super terrible or indicative of a personal crisis. We are allowed to like shiny things. No, I’m more concerned about being so affected about others’ opinions of how we live our lives.

Click here to read the rest of Maybe Other People's Lives Don't Matter

So that's over with

It is a touch anti-climatic.

Months worth of studying priming my mind just to be able to fill in 200 bubbles with pencil. (#2 only!)

Strange.

I think I may be detoxing from the stress.  Stiff neck, exhaustion, overall feeling of queasiness.  It is slowing sinking in, however, that I may actually be able to move forward.  That I can close those books.

That possibility is exciting. 

Instead of letting the pressure come crashing in with endless "Now whats?" and "Hows?" I'm going to try to release into a little bit of weightlessness.  If only for a little while.

photo credit: Pinterest

Visualization, Goals and The Vortex

It's a tough business trying to get ideas off the ground.  Especially trying to chart new territory.  I find myself waxing and waning between moments of certainty and determination, and moments of hesitation and self-doubt. 

It's infuriating.

Trying to stay in that space of hopeful presumption.   Time for a conscious choice.

I'm choosing to let go and move forward from my negative thought patterns.  I'm acknowledging them, honoring the place in me that they derived from, and visualizing them leaving.  Out my window. Through the door.  To the wind.  Gone.

I don't need them any more. 

I'm sure fear has its place.  Warning of dark caves where literal hungry beasts could be hiding in the days of cavemen and hunters, a fearful pit in the stomach would be helpful.  But this is not that.  This isn't intuition's alarm bells, either.  This is negative, critical self talk.

While I believe in independence, inner strength and a general "I don't care if you like it" attitude to doing your own thing and following your own bliss, it is massively helpful to be around encouraging souls.

Confidence is contagious.

So is fear. 

Therefore, I'm making the choice.  I will spend time talking to people who drive my ambitions not those who indulge my hesitation.  I will listen to Abraham Hicks because it brings me joy and moves me into the vortex.  And I will say words like "vortex" without irony or haughty derision because I genuinely talk like that. 

Being in your twenties is universally hard.  Or at least that has been my experience and the experience of my friends, family, pretty much anyone I talk to.  There is typically an expectation now that one is an "adult" the previous self-discovery type quests and questions have been undertaken and answered.  Nope.  I'm still figuring it out.  I'm fairly certain most of us are still figuring it.  But I'm done comparing myself to others and questioning my desire to take the road less traveled.

I'm inspired by people who take different paths.  I feel drawn to have an adventurous life.  I don't think that is wrong.  I think it will make me happy.  And I believe that when someone is happy, everyone wins. 

I have goals, aspirations and desires to live my life in a way that is true to myself. 

Those of you who feel compelled to live a life that may be considered by some to be more radical, I hope you choose to be your most authentic self and listen to your inner cheerleader and not the inside (and outside) voices of doubt.

photo credits: Pinterest

Holy Crap, this site is LIVE!

Today is this site's birthday. 

I officially jumped in.  The Hungry Gypsy is live.  No longer just a trial site for my eyes only, these words can be accessed on the world wide web.  Yikes. 

You see, I actually wrote the previous posts while designing this site before it was truly viewable online.  Now shit gets real.

My original plan was to start this post with a disclaimer. I'd talk about how this site is a work in progress, and how my tendency to get caught up in minutiae inspired me to avoid being trapped by my own detail-oriented self-spiral and just make the damn thing live already.  (That and the web hosting site may or may not have forced my hand by expiring my trial and requiring me to woman-up to the real thing.)

Instead I'm gonna move past it and just make those changes as I go.

The latest with me is that I am still studying for my board exam, feeling all kinds of unprepared.  It is NOT super fun to feel like after drowning in "learning" for the past two years, my actual retention of such classically favorite subjects as organic chemistry, biochemistry and physiology is less than stellar.  The woes of overly-compressed learning and taxed adrenals. 

This exam is going to be one of those fun "memorization-based" tests.  In "real life" we do not need to have micronutrient fact sheets memorized.  You just need to know where to look that information up.  Real life has books.  Exams do not.  Granted, I'm not discounting the education portion- a layman may not only not know where to look this information up, but may not know what it meant even if he did.  Owning a book and having truly studied a subject are not the same thing.  I'm just saying that it is a pain in the tukkis to memorize so much information for such a comprehensive test.  Basically I'm just bitching. 

But on to happier things:  The plan seems to be that after (hopefully) passing this exam in November, I will stay through the holidays and then start a year of adventure in the New Year.  I'm so excited!  Where should I go first??

photo credits: Pinterest